Advice Column: Help from The Senior Advisors August 2025
”Seniors Moments” is an advice column where the innocent and the guilty shall remain nameless. Send your real or imagined, funny or tragic, but always educational problems to the Seniors team, composed of anonymous ICMA Senior Advisors (who shall also remain nameless to protect their reputations ).
Dear Seniors,
95% of the time, I love my job as the manager of a small town. People are kind, the work is varied and interesting, and it’s a great place to live. Part of the 5% though, is getting to me. Yesterday, I had a Council member yell at me on the phone for half an hour (upset with me, the Council and the Mayor, among other things), only stopping when I ended the conversation as I was 15 minutes late for my next appointment. Later that day, a former Council member who is the chair of our EDA called and ranted at me because of actions the Mayor had taken in the previous meeting. It is well known that the Mayor and I speak frequently, so I must, of course, be accountable for everything he says or does.
I struggle to know the boundaries that I should place on this type of behavior. I would never knowingly let someone speak to staff in this way. However, there is often a benefit to letting people rant- they get to be heard, and can often then move forward more productively. Sometimes, however, the personal cost feels like it is too high. When do you stop engaging with this behavior? If you do decide to put a stop to it, how should that be done?
Dear 95%er,
Are you kidding us? You love your job 95% of the time and are upset that it's not 100%? Haven't you ever heard the saying, "Into each life some rain must fall (1944, The Inkspots)?" We suggest that you enjoy the 95% and soldier through the 5%, knowing that it doesn't define you or your career. Most of us would have loved those statistics.
Seriously though, no one should tolerate abusive language directed toward them or staff. You are being very generous with your time, and emotions, to listen to folks rant. That's part of the job and, as you point out, sometimes people just want to be heard. As you perceive, it's probably not about you anyway (keep that in mind); you are just an available ear. But, there are limits, and you have a right to insist on appropriate behavior, a certain amount of respect, and basic human decency (where has that gone anyway?).
Here are some suggestions. When the individual crosses the line, stop him or her with an, "excuse me..." Then say something like, " While I am interested in what you have to say, personal attacks on me are not helpful. If I have done something wrong, please let me know what it was and how I might correct it. If this is not about me, please leave me out of it, or at least stop the insulting language. This conversation cannot continue otherwise, and I will hang up. You can call me back when you have calmed down." Another tactic is to stop responding and just listen until the ranter realizes that you are not engaging and stops talking. Once you have his or her attention, you can explain the ground rules of further conversation, suggest that they speak directly to the Mayor about their concerns, or attempt to end the conversation by saying something like, “And, what would you like me to do?” If you get a response to that question, be honest about what you are willing to or can do. Remember, it is not your responsibility to control the behavior of others. It’s hard enough to control your own behavior!
As an aside, we know one of us who was getting ripped into during a telephone conversation and the only way that he could get the individual's attention was to slam the receiver down; something very gratifying that just can't be done with a cell phone. When the individual called back, the manager apologized for hanging up and explained the ground rules of further conversation; a constructive dialogue followed. Today you can merely click to terminate the call and still call back. We don’t advise slamming your cellphone down.
So, stand your ground in defense of appropriate behavior. Confront the behavior (privately if possible) and describe what is necessary for a productive conversation. It may be uncomfortable, but in your leadership position it is a stand that should be taken.
Good luck with the 5%. In our day, it was at least 10%.
Best wishes,
The Seniors
As always, if this response seems lacking or raises further questions, feel free to reach out and contact a Senior Advisor directly. We are here to assist you navigate your local government management career and enjoy paying back the support that helped us through our careers.
The full list of Senior Advisors with contact information is available here.